Archive for September, 2008
Record Breaking Haircutting
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 | Random Thoughts | No Comments
This past weekend, along with Greg Martin, I had the unique opportunity to serve as an official judge for the Guinness Book of World Records as Andis’ Ivan Zoot attempted to break three world records in haircutting. Not only did he break them, he obliterated them. Here are the new records:
• Fastest Haircut - 55 Seconds
• Most Haircuts in One Hour - 34
• Most Haircuts in 24 Hours - 340
This guy is the Michael Phelps of barbering. For photos and a complete recap of the event, check out my full article on About.com.
Drunken Thoughts
Monday, September 8th, 2008 | Nutrition, Random Thoughts | No Comments
I was sitting in my neighbor hood pub a couple of days ago having a session with my therapist Dr. Johnny Walker. He and I were discussing the lack of an Atlanta Braves Game and how boring summer TV is. One of us noticed a couple of 20 something’s on he other end of the bar watching American Gladiators. So I move down to see what was going on and to chat with Avery, one of the guys watching the show. Turns out these guys are all total freaks about this show because they watched it as a kid. Even the waiters were popping by to get updates from Avery about each Gladiator Task.
Johnny and I are bored so we settle in with Avery and company to check this out. I see nothing but trim young men and women going through the tasks at hand. Suddenly it becomes apparent the winners will ultimately face the real Gladiators for a final showdown. They bring out the Gladiators. I turn to Avery and ask, “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?” Blank stare. Damn, this guy is young. I digress… These gladiators are huge hunks of men with chiseled bodies and Farah Faucet hair (just like in the 80’s). They go through the stats… 6’7” / 235 pounds… this is where I had the epiphany.
These guys weigh the same as me, but they’ve got me a foot in height. I have been fighting the weight loss battle for years — focusing on loosing weight by eating right, exercising, etc.. You know the drill.
I’ve finally found the solution! I don’t need to loose weight I just need to be 14 inches taller.
The more I talk with Dr. Walker the more I realize I have found the ultimate answer to weight loss. This is my Cabbage Patch Doll!
I throw some cash on the bar and leave Johnny Walker like a cheap hooker and dash home to do my research. I’ve decided I’ll team up with the Cortislim folks and market Cortislim Tall! I’m sure those Cortislim folks got rich from selling a quality product that, when used as directed, works wonders.
I Google “how to get taller.” Wow! Millions of hits. Number one is 4 inches taller in one heartbeat. Click. It’s shoes. Damn. Won’t work. I need my belly to get smaller not further off the floor. I need something that will stretch this mutherf’er out! I’ve checked out a thousand websites by now and nothing but snake oil.
We can make a phone that holds 25,000 songs, a GPS, a camera, and high speed internet in a device the size of a deck of cards and we can make jelly beans that taste like buttered popcorn and not one person has ever invented a pill to make you taller.
This is, to say the least, very disappointing.
I guess it’s back to the 1,500 calorie diet and Men’s Science Thermogenic Formula tomorrow. I should have stayed for a bit more therapy. See you tomorrow night, Dr. Walker.