Dave, You Old Douchebag

Thursday, June 25th, 2009 | American Haircuts | No Comments

So, not long ago I decided to venture outside the protective asphalt ring around Atlanta known as ‘the perimeter’ (this act is called “going OTP” for those outside of Atlanta).  Normally, I wouldn’t have braved the ‘burbs just to go to a bar, but since Novare dropped a condo building on McCray’s Sixth Street Tavern, I had to venture out to see my favorite bartender, Alli.  Believe me, it’s worth the trip.

When I arrived at McCray’s OTP location in Smyrna, I plopped down at the bar next to this girl who looked suspiciously like Reese Witherspoon (only with darker hair).  Cute girl.  I smiled and said, “Hi.”  She looked back at me and said flatly, “douchebag.”  Huh?  Most people don’t call me that until they get to know me better.  ”Why’d you call me a douchbag, bitch?”  ”Because all men are douchebags and I just wanted to get it out of the way.”  That was the start of a beautiful evening.

Between shots from Alli at the bar and zingers back and forth between Reese, uh, Brooke (that’s her actual name, but we dubbed her “Babbling Brook” because the girl sure could talk) we had a great time. Although one of the other bartenders (a cute girl named Jessica) was determined to see if she could make me pass out and/or hurl by bringing me shots of the oddest concoctions ever.  If you’re ever there and she asks you to try something called “Wild Yellow Tailed Monkey Jungle Sex,” pass.

Is there actually a point to this blog?

Ahhh, yes.  When my head did eventually clear (which took weeks), I got to thinking about Re-Brook’s “douchebag” comment.  Well, I’ve never considered myself a douchbag.  A$%hole, probably.  Mut&^%%$cker, maybe.  But certainly not douchebag.  Can’t afford the bling.  To me, a DB is one of those guys who walks around in a wifebeater with the ballcap cocked slightly to the side (even though he’s a bit too old to work the look) and never thinks before speaking.  Huh.  That sounds kinda like my buddy, Kris.  I really like that guy.  Does that make me guilty of douchebaggery or aiding a abetting a douche?

Again, I digress.

So how, exactly, does one avoid being a douchebag?

1. Keep your ego in check.  Even if your shit actually doesn’t stink, pretend it does.  Modesty, believe it or not, is quite an attractive quality on a guy.
2. Don’t be an attention whore.  People who seem to always seek the limelight are, quite often, the biggest douchebags.  Spencer Pratt is a fine example of this.  The greatest men are those you almost never hear anything about.
3. Go easy on the grooming products.  Of course, we want you to buy our quality grooming products, but if you’ve got more product in your hair than your girlfriend, you look like a douchebag.  Trust us.
4. Ease off on the cologne.  A spritz or two will do.  If you’ve been jogging through the park for an hour on a nintety degree day and you still smell like AXE Body Spray, you’re guilty of douchbaggery.  Sorry, Kris.  Again.
5. Go light on the bling.  If the faux diamond studs you wear in your ears are bigger than those on the girl sitting next to you at the bar, your a douche.  Sorry, Jamie.
6. Pull up your damn pants!  If your pants reveal more than even the slightest bit of your drawers, you are most defintaly a DB.  I just don’t quite understand those guys who wear their pants below their ass cheeks (while holding them up with one hand).  That can’t be comfortable and always makes you look like a clown.
7. Check your hat.  Bend the bill of the hat a bit — if it’s too flat and cocked at a 45 degree angle, you’re a douche.  If you ever wear a visor, you’re a douche.  Steve Spurrier wears a visor.  ’Nuff said.
8. Watch your wheels.  If your car costs more than your house… yup.  You know what you are.
9. Put your collar down.  One of the signature DB fashion statements is the Polo shirt with the popped collar.  Put that collar up, especially if you’re wearing multiple Polos at once, and it’s a sure sign that you could be a douche.
10. Don’t treat women like dirt.  Most douchebags believe that women are on this earth only for the entertainment of men.  Be a gentleman and treat your woman with respect.

Are you guilty of any of the signature douchebag moves above?  Stop it.  You’re making a fool of yourself!  Now, go get a haircut.